Victor

This is my dear friend Victor Huertas in Iquitos. Victor killed himself two Sundays ago at home in Iquitos. Victor was one of my only actual friends in Iquitos - one of the only people who was eternally loyal, sweet, caring and loving. He's Jewish and had been preparing to go to Israel in December to take advantage of dual citizenship and free education. He was admitted to a prestigious literature program at the state school in Iquitos and is a terrific, outgoing student on student council with lots of friends. I met Victor under crazy circumstances: it was his step-dad who sold me my crappy motorcycle and it was he who sought me out to tell me the truth about what had happened and who eagerly volunteered to serve as my witness in my case against the jerk who took the commission, despite danger of being beaten up or blackmailed. He always sent me text messages telling me simply that he loved me and supported me and was glad to have met me. We had all kinds of adventures together and his sweet family, mom Tania and sister Patricia, always invited me to dinner or would just call to say hello. He was a dear friend who I didn't tell him enough how much I valued his friendship and how much I really loved him. And the worst part is: he was just a kid. 18 years old - he would be 19 in December. I left my motorcycle to him because I trusted him profoundly. And while I started off being devastated at the news of his death, now I'm pissed. I guess these are the steps. I've known people to kill themselves before, but never so dear a friend. I love him very much.

Resolutions

So here I am in Austin, allegedly writing a dissertation at Flightpath, my favorite coffee shop in town. It’s quiet, well-lit, and has big tables. My loyal comps study buddy now turned dissertation writing buddy, Jen Smull, is sitting across from me typing diligently away while I add another blog to my desperately outdated e-journal that – as I look back on it – served as some sort of therapy throughout the last year or so, for which I am thankful.

I started writing up some notes for my dissertation and it became a rant, an angry, emotional rant about bad people in Iquitos, life goals, and what it might be like to live and teach in Minnesota, in the heart of that which I fear: COLD. I don’t like cold because I have circulation problems in my hands and my feet and the cold just bursts through my body and gets to my core and I can’t focus on anything else when I’m horridly cold. And then I started thinking that cold is kind of like anxiety for me. It comes out of nowhere and knocks me flat on my back. And I wallow in it instead of grabbing another scarf and heating up the tea kettle. I guess my analogy makes sense to me, and perhaps to few others, but as some of you here in Austin have come to know, I am profoundly changed. I am growing up and maturing (perhaps later than most, but better late than never. Take that, Peter Pan!) and learning about the many things that LIFE has to offer. My friendships are still profoundly deep but I am having a hard time reconciling the new Kathryn with the old one. As I begin (or pretend to begin) this new phase: the post-Peru, dissertation, new-Austin, old-friends, revised-life phase, I’m realizing a few things about myself that, be they new things or old, I want to change or keep in place. I feel like it’s New Year’s and I’m making my resolutions, even though I never make resolutions at New Year’s because I’m always afraid of the guilt that might come if I break them.

I vow to

1. be a better friend

2. not let stress dictate who I am

3. love myself and my body regardless

4. budget my time and allow myself free time

5. downsize: things, clutter, stress

This is my new resolution. I’m learning about mindfulness right now, and I hope that it makes a big difference in my life. I want to be aware of myself, my surroundings, my emotions, and my goals and expectations.

And while we’re on the subject, did I mention that I’m growing up? New mattress (yee-ha!), new line of credit, new shoes, new paint in my newly peaceful bedroom, and soon to have new car (soon!). I see my best girlfriends from college in the fall and I’m excited to be me with them in their space. It’s fun to grow up, even if it sucks and it’s hard. You live and learn, right?

On lighter notes, I went to Austin City Limits music festival a week ago with my friends Genevieve and Colin. That was truly wonderful and exciting. Plus I went to a taping of Austin City Limits (the PBS TV show)…Regina Spector. That was terrific – the best live music venue in Austin.

This past Friday I had one of the best days of my life! I woke up early and ran. Then I went to Portuguese class. Then I rode my bike down to Barton Springs where I swam in the crystal clear springs and nearly choked because I was laughing with absolute JOY. Then I had a margarita with Genevieve at Shady Grove. Then I rode my bike home and went to the movies with Colin and Michael. Then we got fancy pizza and shot the bull. Then I slept for 10 hours. It was an exciting, active, sunny, beautiful, happy day, and while it doesn’t seem like there was anything in particular that was out of the ordinary, I felt SO good and happy all day long. It was nice.