Yes, that's a Princess Bride quote. And no, I'm not getting married. And yes, I still have this issue that comes with a United Statesish marriage that I can't reconcile: the last name. I wish I could just get over it, let people do their thing, respect it and move on. But no! I continue to flinch, cringe, and generally pull out my hair (!) at the prospect of the consideration of a name change. Women changing their names back in the day happened because they were effectively sold (or bribed) into marriage; they became their husband's property and had to adopt the symbol of his identity. In Quebec, it's illegal for people to change their names when they marry in order to support gender equality. In most of Latin America and parts of Europe, no one changes their names when they get married, and their kids get one last name from each parent (and official forms allow for that). These days you can pick which last name to pass on and its order (which one comes first). In California, a man sued the state for gender discrimination because the process for him to change his last name to his wife's was so complicated and difficult. He won. But there are only seven states where both partners can legally change their last names when they marry without financial repercussions.
If I ever get married, I will be considered an "mature" bride: I'll be well into my thirties (or beyond), and I will have spent a good chunk of my life as Kathryn Metz. Change my name? Perhaps to include my mom's last name (Ledoux) in the whole shebang. Maybe if I go into the Witness Protection Program. Or if I become a rockstar (Kathryn Metz doesn't really work. I need something like Axl Rose. Well, not that same one, but you get my gist.). Point being, I yam what I yam.
But why can't I just respect women's decisions to change their last names? I wish I could just let it go but it really angers me. I understand a couple wanting unity, but how about a combination of both names (creating a new one from the two, or hyphenating or just both adding the other person's name to theirs)? Or a new name altogether? The New York Times has an interesting discussion of the whole situation here.
I just get so frustrated - especially by college-educated women - when women even consider the name change. Whether you have an attachment to your name (perhaps because of heritage or cultural reasons) or not (maybe you don't know where your name comes from or don't care), it seems silly to take a man's name just because that's what's been done. I am my own person, my own woman, my own Kathryn Metz and I just don't see the sense in becoming someone else.
HOWEVER I am trying (learning!) to be more OK with this regular occurrence. And for the record, several of my progressive, liberal, feminist girlfriends have taken their husband's last names, so obviously I have to be OK with it. And I'm getting there. Little by little. Grrrrr....
5 comments:
Yes, I agree, it's a messy business this name change thing. I am still in the midst of changing my name on all accounts. I must say, I wanted to change my name to Ryan's last name because it made me really feel married. That is of course because our society generally expects it even still today. But, I wanted to show his family respect, and since my parents just expected me to change my name it almost seemed a matter of respect toward them to do it and keep up with tradition.
I am legally Larissa Muriel Smith now. But I will always keep my pen name as Larissa Chace Smith. That's how I am listed as a writer for a local magazine, on envelopes of personal letters, etc. You may be pissed off by people feeling obliged to change their last names, but having made my decision to do so, what pisses ME off is the absolutely ludicrous process I've experienced in changing it! I made several trips to the social security office in Austin, usually leaving in tears because I still didn't have the right f-ing forms! I'm still photocopying my marriage license for accounts like Paypal. I'm sorry but it shouldn't be this hard! If that's something that our society expects, then why do they make it so difficult?!?!?!?! It pisses me off just writing about it. I guess it's gotten harder since 9/11, so boo hoo for me for getting married after 2001. I just grin and bear it, but I still have to bitch.
I'm glad to be a Smith, though. I love his family and I get a little twinge of excitement even after 1.5 years of marriage when I hear us referred to as the Smiths. Ryan's Grandmother is very into genealogy so I've learned a lot from her about last names, legacy, etc. But as you know, I am moderately feminist and very liberal, so it goes to show that there is never a black and white answer to anything. I don't get fired up nearly as much about name change as I do about gender roles. But that's a whole other story. I'll have to blog about it.
Love you!
I didn't take Dan's last name for a whole bunch of reasons. And Larissa points to one of them -- it seemed like a whole stinking hassle and I didn't want to deal with it. I imagine that if you're getting married when you're 18 and don't have anything in your name, it wouldn't be so hard, but, hot damn, when you're older and you've conducted business as yourself for so long... what a pain to change it all. And, yeah, I also just felt weird about having to change my signature for this weirdly, and, to me, artificial "identity" change. But, true also that a name is a a name... gender inequality is a whole other pisser.
I always figured that I would only change my name if it was a cooler last name than mine. You know, like something Scottish or Irish. But in all reality, I really don't know what I'll do once I get married, or hell, if I even date someone seriously! But I agree that it is such a ludicrous tradition, I might as well make it work to my advantage and only take a new name for truly aesthetic reasons.
If it makes you feel better I am not planning on changing my name :). Luckily for me, woman in the Arab world don't have to and don't usually take their husband's name. Plus, Selina Keilani sounds like it goes together and is way cooler than Selina Ward. I hear things get more complicated when kids come around so there is a chance I maybe would add Ward to my name but I would never get rid of Keilani. Its just such a huge part of who I am and my identity. And although I think its great if women keep their names ...I do feel that in the end it should be the woman's choice.
Selina! Am I to understand that you and Tommy are getting married? I hadn't heard that. If so, I'm so excited for you guys. I hope you are having fun together and I wish you all the best! Have fun with the name change thing too :)
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